Category Archive

yah know… i was planning gut level post tonite on how i was feeling scared and unsure of well, everything.

but something changed.

the splendor of the King
clothed in majesty
let all the earth rejoice
let all the earth rejoice

He wraps himself in light
and darkness tries to hide
and trembles at His voice
and trembles at His voice

how great is our God
how great is our God
and all will see
how great, how great is our God

my heart will sing…. how great is our God

i wrote the following comments about a week ago. and i had posted them for a few hours, but pulled em due to their seeming to be so bitter and hateful.

but thats a part of my humanity isnt it? im not saying im right by feeling that, or rather “this” way, but it is a part of who i am. its me being real. its the ugly part of life. its the part that no one likes talking about. but its there none the less.

its the coffee stain on the beige carpet that you rearrange the entire living room to cover.

its the one small spot on an otherwise perfectly undisturbed existence that oh the horror! simply must be covered at all times or gasp someone might find out im not perfect! ::scream::

so, enjoy.

the subject was: I hate texas

ok, blunt beginning. but that was my honest thoughts and feelings from earlier today. and it really wasnt “texas” because, well – what is texas?

its a state. or as websters puts it:

One of the more or less internally autonomous territorial and political units composing a federation under a sovereign government

thank you mr webster.

so, politics and a land mass. that can be found anywhere on earth. so maybe i dont hate texas. not directly.

i hate my father.

ok, take 2. another blunt beginning. but again – pure honesty. and i think ive got a better arguement to back this one up. i mean – come on. how one man could impact 4 lives in such a destructive way is beyond me.

i hate him for what sister 1 is going through. and how hard it is to trust guys. and i hate him for what sister 2 is going through. and how much of a battle it is some days to simply eat. i hate him for what my mom has got to go through now. 20+ years of being “mom” and now she’s the breadwinner and the mom.

ok, i just argued my point and ive got no defense for it. so there, dad… consider yourself hated.

wow… look at me tonite. mr cynicial and im just on a roll aren’t i? just oozing with the love of Christ and what not.

what on earth is bringing this on today? seirously. im not sure.

im just slowly realizing how hard this is here. how so screwed up everything is. how much i have NO FREAKIN IDEA what a good family dynamic is supposed to look like. or what my role is in the family.

family “a place to belong”…. only if you know your place. so again, the question – what is my place?

new topic. moving.

as in, we moved. the fam and i. newer bigger place. woohoo! goodnews for tonite:-) and, im back online. had to wait for my services to get transfered to the new house. but im back now.

its still not done yet…moving that is. i mean, all the stuff is here – but my room is still mostly boxes and stuff.

it is funny though, it seems that for the months ive been down here, we’ve not spilled one item that could stain anything. and then we get to this new place, all new carpets and paint and what not, and i spill my coffee… and two days later, my sister drops her nailpolish in the hallway. her red nailpolish.

oh well.

back to the original topic. i think im being very cynical right now because im hurting. yeah, i know – suck it up pj. tough it out. be a man.

i tell myself that every day.

new topic
its funny how many things are running through my head right now. im having a very indepth conversation with a good friend of mine about “the one”. or rather, the ideal that there is “one perfect person” for everyone in the world.

her: well, what do you think?

sirpjtheknight: im in a rather cynical mood tonite, so what i think “right now” wouldnt be honest. however, i will say, i lived 22 years of my life holding out for “the one”. i hadnt even kissed a girl. i lived knowing, absolutely knowing, that somewhere out there – there was one perfect girl for me. that was my dream

its what drove me to not randomly date or get involved with girls who werent godly. its what enabled me to have such awesome friendships with people like jenna, you, stacey, etc.

when my parents split… that dream was nearly destroryed – and my willingness to stay the course till God showed me the one suddenly seemed… foolish

a pipedream

a whimsical thought process with no weigh in the real world.
and my life reflected that. and it did for a long time

do i still allow myself to dream of a love that creates the need for me to remind myself to breath? do i still harbor the slim hope of finding that one person who – who makes me want to be a better man?

i do.

but those dreams arent filled with hope anymore. no, they now carry a longing from a time past.

ok, so i didnt really answer your question directly. if i had to answer it in one sentence…

well, i dont know yet. ive not figured out yet wether or not holding out for “the one”, or if there IS a “one” is the right thing to do.

ok, thats it. my post for tonite. scattered and not thought out. no over-arching theme or grand statement.

just me in the moment.

enjoy

-the end-

ive found myself struggling in so many ways trying to figure out my role down here. who i am. who im supposed to be. what my role is in the fam, in ny, with the friends and ministries i left behind.

i came to texas to deal with a lot of painful things. to obtain healing and wholeness… and to stop hurting. i came to deal…. thats true

but thats the thing – i dont even know “how” to deal.

we all have our demons dont we? some of us are just better able to cover them and not have to deal directly with the destruction they cause. others of us, well, we have no choice. our demons are let loose and we’ve got only two options. curl up and die, or fight. for some of us, our demons arent even our fault… but never the less, we choose to fight.

so, bring it on.

a few nites ago, saturday maybe? im not sure exactly. but either way, im pretty sure you noticed the stress i was feeling more acutely than what you’d typically see. probably cuz i wasnt handling it well.

i met dad while leaving work. he works right across the street from me, and being that he knows my schedule – i see him pretty regularly. everything was going fine until he hit me with:
“i tried to call the house today…. the phone number said out of order. is everything ok?”

yeah, thats right – mom still hasnt told dad we moved.

how was i supposed to answer that? i didnt. i was speechless. i just kinda said “uhuh”. thankfully, he got the cue and changed the subject… but still. what the heck was i to do?

and to top it off…. my mom chose to list the new number in the phone book under her grandmothers maiden name…
that isnt neccesarily a “bad” thing. its just hard to see things from both sides sometimes.

an excerpt from an email i wrote earlier this evening.

btw, i moved.

and ill end tonite with this:

Back to the start, my heart is heavy
Feels like it’s time, to dream again
I hear your voice, and yes I’m ready
To dance upon this barren land
Hope in my hands

im not sure why im posting this right now. i guess i just felt the need.

nothing awakens the senses more to hear the vile in your familes voices when one of the men they no longer like (dad, sisters ex fiance, etc) calls. and how absolutely terrifying it is to know that, when it all comes down to it, im a guy too. and whats to keep them from one day feeling the same about me?

why exactly those thoughts brought about the changes in my blog, i am unsure.

but here it is. enjoy the changes.

the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

its funny how the foundation of what we christians base our very existence upon was compared to one of the smallest seeds known to man. the mustard seed. i mean, why not corn? corn is useful. plentiful. used to feed millions…. why mustard?

why not potatoes? i mean – come on… they’re huge!

and honestly, this could be a very serious arguement. why did Christ compare our belief in Him, eternity, and the very core of truth; to a mustard seed?

i dont even LIKE mustard!?

ok, im ranting. and by now you’ve probably realized there is a reason behind my thoughts tonite. there is. and my exageration of this thought process is to simply bring clarity to what i was told today.

how many of us have had a seedless orange? or that new veggie – the cross between asparagus and broccoli – aspiration? there are quite a number of hybrid, or cross pollinated, plants, veggies and fruits available today…

my point in saying this? from what i was told today, mustard is one of the few plants that will not grow if one attempts to cross pollinate.

mustard must be pure to grow.

interesting huh?

im beginning to see that as truth in my life. my faith, must come from a pure heart to grow.

victory comes to those who obtain the unobtainable simply because they believed the unbelieveable…

they had faith as a mustard seed…

and because of it, they moved mountains.

i sit here on what is my friday night. well, saturday morning actually. 1:13am. with the thoughts of a million yesterdays swimming though my head. i seem to be caught up in the flow and my feelings are as scattered as raindrops on the grass.

before i came to ft. worth, my friends in rochester threw me a going away party. the video of which, numerous goofy goodbyes and well wishes included, arrived on my doorstep only yesterday. contained therein lies the faces of those ive loved, and those ive not seen in… wow, 3 months.

and if i was to be gut level real with you tonite, id tell you that, in all honesty, there are always a few faces that mean so much to me, that it hurts when i miss them.

ive caught myself diving into the thought proccess of asking why im here. and that, my friends, is a dangerous thought process. because, im not sure. when i left new york, i left behind so many things i loved…. and im not sure how to go about replacing them here.

running sound for instance. for those of you who dont know, i am a sound man. and i love it. my heart beats for being behind the sound board at church, concert, festival, funeral… i dont care… i just love doing it.

and ive not done it… in months.

what am i running from? maybe thats the question? maybe i should seirously look at my life and begin to move again. begin to stretch. begin to allow myself to miss the people in my life who mean so much. begin to cry. begin to heal.

maybe thats it.

maybe it is, but before that question gets answered… there are some things i need to say:

jenna – we’ve been through so much. i dont take that lightly. thank you for the video. for helping me keep my head on straight. and for the late nite random chats:-)

maran – God only knows if you even know i have a blog… but my thanks to you doesnt go for anything you’ve done, but for who you are. from the moment i met you, it was perfectly evident that you wanted God’s best for your life. that has served as an inspiration to me in so many ways. thank you.

kate – i know we’ve not kept that closely in touch, but im still thankful we were brought together as friends. you’ve walked the road im walking, and you still chose to truly live… that means so much. thank you.

and last but not least,
heidi – i miss you. so much. i hope you know that. i hope you know i pray for you. i hope you know i love you. and i hope you know i only want the best for you. thank you for being there for me no matter what. for dealing with distance and not being able to see facial expressions. for pictures, postcards and polos. for friendships, car trips, and coffee sips:-) i yove you yots!

not many things that come easy, end up being all that great. this goes out to my friends out there who are dying to live…

from the live intro of “meant to live”
-switchfoot

God bless the dreamers

www.nbcolympics.com

not many people know this, but if you ever get the chance to raise an elephant from birth, you can prove this to yourself.

elephants when they are born are obviously much smaller and weaker than they will be when they reach adulthood. no surprises there. but what the elephant doesnt realize over the course of turning into a 1500lb behemouth is that he easily outweighs and can easily overpower his human handlers.

its true. raise an elephant from birth with a collar around his neck, or a anklet around his leg that is tied to a post… if the elephant cant break free as a adolescent, he quickly learns its impossible… and never tries again. thats why you see handlers walking this huge animal with a small rope. the elephant simply doesnt realize that he can overcome what keeps him in bondage.

he doesnt know his own strength, even though it was destined to be his from the moment he was concieved. he doesnt know the freedom that is his by soverign right simply because he has been created. he does not realize it resides inside of him already.

there is no larger or stronger mammal that walks this earth today. the elephant, when fully grown, has no natural enemies. and yet, a simple rope can keep one captive, unless someone shows him he can be free.

ive noticed something over the past few days…

its a very quiet voice that whispers to me when i least expect it.

freedom

let it ring.
let it be heard from the highest places in the land.
let the reality of true freedom be birthed in my heart.

one day soon… i will be free

fifty-nine deceits in Fahrenheit 9/11. check it out here

i miss rochester.

so much.

i found myself watching the series finale of a tv show earlier tonite. and in all honesty, i dont think it would have mattered what show it was. what mattered, was that they were saying goodbye. it was the end.

and it hurt to watch that.

on the one hand, i craved feeling the pain. because it meant i was at least beginning to move towards creating a ‘life’ down here. on the other hand, it was amazing how quickly i tried to distract myself with anything that i possibly could. food, movies, tv… anything. anything at all to get my mind off of how much it hurts.

i cried. the series finale of boy meets world had me in tears.

::sigh:: i dont get it.

i try not to question the circumstances of the past 3 years. i try not to figure out, to reason away why it is that if im here, im not near my closest friends… but if im there, im not near my family.

both suck. horribly.

ive withheld from myself all things that pertain to actually having a “life” down here. ive declined chances to try out churches… ive made zero attempts to make friends… im living alone right now. why? simple… its because i scared of losing all i had in new york. friendships, skipper, my connections, reputation, my home church, all of it. it almost feels like if i push through myself and work towards building a life down here, im neglecting or even turning my back on who i was. and on my life up north. i dont know how to have two different lives…. and for as long as i can remember, thats the one thing ive always demanded from myself. the ability to be two different people in different situations depending on who was around.

yeah, thats right… me… mr “dont waste my time unless youre going to be real with me” is seriously struggling with being real with himself.

to be honest, i dont know myself right now. i dont know why im down here, or more precisely, im not happy with the speed at which my goals for being down here are progressing… im scared. in laymens terms, thats basically it.

for the longest time up north, i had to choose daily and sometimes moment by moment to be happy, to live, to have a life apart from all i’d ever known. and now im finding myself basically having to do the same thing. but this time, im beginning to ask why i feel like im deserting my life in new york if i allow myself a life down here.

ive wrapped myself in the blanket of the fairy tale, all is well, happily ever after ending for my young adult hood. life was supposed to mimic the tv shows i lost myself in… and, its not.

there isnt a happily ever after… sadly, there isnt even a series finale where i can at least know that all will work out… even if after so many seasons in prime time, not all things were easy.

what am i asking for? in a word – hope. hope that this isnt all there is. hope that life will get better. and easier. and, although ill cry, my tears will oneday give way to joy. and that im 1700 miles from new york for a reason right now. and that… ultimately, i would learn to trust Him even moreso. that id become childlike… that my heart wouldnt hurt anymore… and that my family would be able to truly learn to live again.