as an addendum to my most recent post:
i dont think it was nearly as sarcastic as i thought it was going to be.
less sarcasam. a lot less.
and more simple honesty. a lot more.
anywho…
warning: this post may contain high levels of sarcasam. only for external use. call a doctor or poison control center immediately if ingested
its official.
the new closing date on the house is somewhere around the 27 of this month.
2 weeks 2 days.
im supposed to “aim for this date and if it doesnt work, then we can tell them to move it back“.
this will “save mom and dad tons of money”
but “no pressure”
no freakin pressure my butt.
another conversation with my dad that left me completely and totally frustrated and furious. he tried calling the house twice afterwards… ive ignored the phone ringing both times and turned my cell off.
greedy as it may sound – he has absolutely no clue what its like going through all this.
and the question of the moment:
where the heck is God in all of this?
ive done everything i know to do. looked for a job everywhere i know to look. cut back on expenses in every way possible. now where the heck is He? how much more will be demanded before He decides to get off His butt and do something? huh?
well – quite frankly – im sick of it. and im Calling Him on it. Show Yourself. Be who You say you are. You say my needs are met – so… whats taken so long? You say ill never lack any good thing – well, i need a new home. Be who you’re supposed to be… or get outta my life
sometimes, the life i think im living sucks
justification. the word that seems to encompass my thoughts for the past few days
justification: the word for today
websters says:
1 a : to prove or show to be just, right, or reasonable b (1) : to show to have had a sufficient legal reason (2) : to qualify oneself…
the more you go through the fire this life throws at you; if you’re willing, the more you learn about yourself. the more your own eyes open up to the fraility and ‘patheticism’ of the life you think your living. fire – as it flows through your life – has a tendency to strip away all the preconcieved notions you have about yourself. fire destroys all that isnt 100% real in your life. and what you’re left with is a pile of ashes, and hopefully… inside the charred remains of who you are… tested, tried and strengthened by fire lies the life that you will be living. the ‘new you’. fire will come. we have no choice about that. our choice lies in our response…
so i say all that to simply state that ive realized that ive lived a lot of my life trying to justify my existence on this planet. trying to justify the fact that im wearing skin. i could justify my life through my work. i was good @ what i did. and i did it with everything i had. now? im laid off.
i could justify my life through my ‘on air’ times at the station. now? i haven’t 3 hours time on the air in months.
i could justify my life through the ministries i was a major part of. now? ive definetly learned im replaceable.
what makes me worth the skin im wearing? the air im breathing? the space i take up on this world?
its not my job
its not the radio
its not the ministry
everything i ever valued about myself is slowly being torn away. im finding out that maybe im not supposed to take my worth or value from those things. what am i supposed to take stock in? im not sure. i may not be learning everything i could be, but im trying.
until the next installment of this life i think im leaving
-nite
breaking news for tonite:
blog has finally decided to plant a working cookie on my computer.
do you have any idea how annoying it is to have to log in every time you blog?
anyway… enough ranting
today consisted of
1 part starbucks
1 part moving stuff
1 part moving more stuff
3 parts chucky cheeses
3000 parts lil kids
2 parts headache
3 parts advil
2 parts John Q
1 part mac-n-cheese
2 parts big wind storm
1 part fun nite at my house
intersperse throught the mix generous amounts of a special friend
and over all…it was a good day
however, the weatherman said that it dropped 25 degrees in 10 minutes earlier this evening. sniff sniff.
moving on
thought for the nite-
good things aren’t always God things.
more later
but my hearts cry, especially to special friends… is to have a God thing. not a good thing
until the next installment of this life i think im living
today absolutely rocked
-nite all
never stop learning. seems to be my theme for today.
what have i learned today? i learned that the world isnt always as big as it seems. ive learned that, sometimes… during the worst times of tragedy, the best in people shines through.
and ive learned that the world is sometimes a lot bigger than we think it is.
perspective. im begining to think that a lot of what we learn, and a good portion of what we dont has more to do with our perspective on life than almost any other variable.
some of you may have heard that ABC has offered David Letterman (the late show on CBS) a $31 million dollar a year contract to switch broadcasting stations. ABC wants to buy out the “late show”. whats wrong with that? nothing really. its business. but then i switched over to Nightline – the show David would be replacing on ABC.
nightline was the first of the evening news shows. dateline, 20/20, etc all followed Nightlines example. im not one to normally watch Nightline, but as i switch from NBC and Leno chit chatting about the proposed switch… i catch a glimpse of what Nightline is focusing on. a story that impacted every aspect of who we as Americans thought we were. what was the story about?
9/11
one of the reporters caught up with a professional photographer who has been at Ground Zero since day one. it was His story. he was granted a ‘mayoral photographer’ pass. which was technicaly, a Police pass to anywhere on Ground zero. some of His photos were breathtaking… and the stories he had? humbling, to say the least.
have we as a nation moved beyond the images of 9/11? i hope and pray that the images we saw that day, will forever be engrained into the very fiber of this nation. not only for the lives lost, but because of the results of that fate filled day. America – came together.
a generation without a cause, now had passion.
have i, as a human being – gotten so caught up in the troubles and trials in my life that ive forgotten how big this world really is? that the planets dont revolve around me? my life, in all its grandeur, is simply insignificant when view with the light of this nation.
perspective?
ill give you perspective.
perspective is knownig that your problems arent so bad.
perspective is knowing that you werent in 9.11
perspective, is realizing that you were lucky. –the photographer talked about a moment at Ground Zero when a hush fell over the entire complex. workers digging in the South Tower uncovered some human remains inside a crushed elevator shaft that had been burried under tons of rubble and debris. but the elevator shaft wasnt from the South Tower. it was from the North Tower. the elevator shaft – and the men inside – flew more than 100 Yards through the air before they landed… and was burried.
how anyone can live without God in times like these? i will never understand.
perspective is knowing that you’re not the one in control.
wisdom, is being ok with that.
i feel i have a pretty good perspective for this time in my life. the wisdom thing, im still working on.
i may make mistakes. i may fall. i may fall often. but i know where im going to land when i fall….
….in those same Arms that carried the wounded home on 9/11.
in those Arms that bled and died on a cross…. so that i wouldnt have too
in those Arms that know how much i can handle, and will never give me more than that.
im learning, that this world is so much bigger than i am. and im learning… that the impact i leave, will be so much bigger than i will ever be.
until the next installment of this life i think im living…
nite
my phone decided to have a rather abrupt meeting with my floor today. you’ll find out why later on.
the end result is that the remains of my phone are now inhabiting a new spacious quarters… my garbage can.
absolutely nothing to say to you tonite. however, i was so bored @ my part time job that i actually blogged from a computer without internet access. i just whipped open word pad and printed when i was done… so yeah. here ya go
so i find myself at work. or rather… i sit on my (finely tuned) butt for 5 hours, preform maybe a half hour of actual physical work and im bored outta my mind the rest of the time.
its not bad, but i could never do this forever. id go crazy. can you tell? i mean, im sitting here posting to my blog using windows word pad on a computer WITHOUT internet access. how pathetic is that? i NEED human interaction. gimme a place with people. someone to talk to… something… geez
anyway. recieved yet another “Wonderful” phone call from my dad. it seems the nice people buying our house want to push the closing date up. if they had it their way, it would be 2 weeks from now. we’ve been able to knock it back another week from that. but dads basically telling me he wants me out within 3 weeks. it’ll save him a $700 mortgage payment. and yeah…make me homeless?
ive got a chance to say ‘no’ to the push up if i cant do it. ive gotta tell dad by monday if i think i need the extra time. no pressure tho, right?
brb.
back. an hour or so later. ive decided that the station needs some definite items to improve its ability to keep me awake. first off, a ps2. secondly, INTERNET ACCESS. and finally, a small weight room or excercise machine or another comparable device… somethin:-)
ive had fun playing with the multi-effects proccessor. (for those of you not so techincally minded – its a cool lil tool that can do everything from simply adding an echo to your voice, to make it sound like your underwater… and if i wanted it too, i could sound like Zorg from Toy Story 2):-) fun stuff!
im gonna wrap this -less than impressive – run through of my nites events witha very simple thought
what you want – may never matter to anyone in this life but yourself. but never give up on your dreams. life without dreams – we have nothing to live for.
live beyond yourself, continually press on into more and more. dont quit
and never… ever… give up on your dreams
until the next installment of this life i think im living
have a wonderful nite
went to the dentist today. fun little time getting going this morning. i forgot my wallet almost 1/4 of the way there so i had to turn around, find the wallet and then haul to get to the appt. 10 minutes late. ah well. could be worse. i dont like the dentist. but hey, at least i dont have to turn my head and cough. lets keep things in perspective:-)
perspective. its a hard thing to keep sometimes. especially with my dad.
if there was one specific thing – in this life i think im living – that could be described as an enigma, it would be my relationship with my dad.
on the one hand, im in awe of any man who would work for 30 years and be an expert in his field (electrical and mechanical maintnance) and after two layoffs, take a job waiting tables just to try to make ends meet in cruel and unforgiving world. he’s waiting tables. 30 years of work – expierence – wisdom. all for nought? tell me, exactly why would i want to plan out 5 years of my life, if… 30 years from now – i can look forward to minimum wage plus tips.
what really amazes me, he isnt complaining. he hasnt been allowed to see his family in months. christmas? christmas he spent alone. completely alone. He got to see his only son (me) for about 3 total minutes on my 22nd birthday. he isnt allowed to talk to his daughters. and his wife isnt even wearing her wedding band anymore. he rents a small room. and has absolutely no one to talk to. he lives in the same town as the rest of my family and yet he is competely alone.
and he is surviving.
that brings perspective
on the other hand, he could be – and probably is – the cause to most of the problems that our family is going through.
during the course of the day, i think we talked 7 times. i know, that this isnt the actions of a healthy man. but again… what would you do in his situation? i dont know.
im not sure what to think. what to feel. what to do. or even how to react. questions. all questions and no answers. questions about the future, about myself. would i take a job waiting tables? WAITING TABLES!!!! MY DAD IS WAITING FREAKING TABLES.
i guess maybe im looking for a guarentee of some sort. a promise – that my life wont end up like his. that my marriage, will be better. and maybe, that life is worth living.
or maybe, im just looking for a promise that things wont always be like this. that life wont always hurt. and that somehow.. sometime… my family will be ok again.
all i have to do is look to you
and i will never be the same
my lifes been changed
and like a child
i will play despite the rain
there isn’t much else to do is there?
ill see you in the storm
until the next installment of the life i think im living
have a cookie
and in tonites recap of the days events…
yesterday ended with a 4am nite. or morning. either way, i wasnt in bed till past 4. up and movin 6.5 hours later. had a lunch meeting with a pastor at my church. all in all, it went well. he encouraged me to “plan out” the next FIVE YEARS of my life. not a “this is your life, you must do everything you put on paper” type deal. more like just a roadmap of where i’d like to be.
thats what the whole thing revolved around. “pj, where do you see yourself in 5 years”.
5 years? oh my lord. i can hardly go 2 months from now. i dont have ANY idea where i want to be in 5 years. not a clue. their are so many things id like to do, so many things id like to be…. but i cant see the tangibleness of thinkin that far in advance when my family is falling apart. i dunno… does it seem a lil greedy to you? this is what I want? i dunno.
if i have learned anything these past five months – ive learned that “what i want” doesnt matter. period. it just simply doesnt matter. life never asks permission. my heart? my heart is to simply be where HE wants me to be 5 years from now. i seriously dont care what im doing. i really dont.
now. the question remains… is it my own personal distrust and cynicism regarding pastors in general playing into my distaste for the whole thing? or is the whole thing seriosly a waste of time? that question – and the many more probably to follow – will be unanswerable in and of myself. thats His job. my job? to remain submissive. to be where he wants me to be when he wants me to be there.
i dont remember any of the disciples having a 5 year plan for their lives. i dont remember moses, or abraham getting one either. all i remember…are two very simple and very profoud words – Follow Me. thats what im gonna do.
now, if -in this following. i should have a 5 year plan… then yeah. i will. and who knows. maybe ill even start it tomorow. i just wish i knew what i wanted. or better yet, what He wants.
either way, the sandwich i had for lunch was highly unimpressive. and the $21 fee for the mediocre food we ate was appaling. but hey. free food
and yeah, i just realized ive got a dentist appt. tomorrow. so i should be crashing soon.
so ill leave you with this – my song of the day
Bring it On
steven curtis chapman
I didn�t come lookin� for trouble
And I don�t want to fight needlessly
But I�m not gonna hide in a bubble
If trouble comes for me
I can feel my heart beating faster
I can tell something�s coming down
But if it�s gonna make me grow stronger then�
Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let the trouble come, let the hard rain fall, let it make me strong
Bring it on
Now, maybe you�re thinkin� I�m crazy
And maybe I need to explain some things
�Cause I know I�ve got an enemy waiting
Who wants to bring me pain
But what he never seems to remember
What he means for evil God works for good
So I will not retreat or surrender
Now, I don�t want to sound like some hero
�Cause it�s God alone that my hope is in
But I�m not gonna run from the very things
That would drive me closer to Him
So bring it on
Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let the trouble come, let it make me fall on the One who�s strong
Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let me be made weak so I�ll know the strength of the One who�s strong
Bring it on
Bring it on
until the next update from the life i think im living
have yourself a pleasant nite
-adieu
hobbes said something today that seemed rather profound. in response to a question from calvin. calvin was wondering why we were given the ability to laugh at the absurd things in life. we find absurdity amusing… and he was pondering this outloud when hobbes answered
“I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that dont make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life.”
what would we have if we couldn’t laugh at the things that we dont understand. not that i’m implying that we always have to laugh. or that we will always be able to laugh. but when there is no other recourse… sometimes all we can do is let go and laugh.
not that ive obtained that level yet. im still working on the ability to let go. and im pretty sure that the laughter will come.
ok. ive tried to put feelings into words for about an hour and a half now. its not gonna happen.
so…
nite
couple of things before i crash.
i stopped by my old place of employment today. first time i’ve done it and actually not literally ran through the place w/out saying hi to anyone. weird – to say the least. definetly weird.
i got this wonderful reception from two of the girls there and the manager on duty acted really cold…..oh well…
moving quickly along… lets revive something i havent done in quite a few nites….
todays “word of the day” – is brought to you by paper shredders – protecting enrons future for 2 years:-)
our word of the day is “loneliness”
my personal friend Mr Webster describes “loneliness” as:
1 a : being without company : LONE b : cut off from others : SOLITARY
2 : not frequented by human beings : DESOLATE
3 : sad from being alone : LONESOME
4 : producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation
ive come to the conclusion.. or actually, the realization – that ive lived the past 5 months desperate for someone to ‘miss’ me when i wasnt around. i was lonely. simply – lonely.
ive realized that a certain formerly close friendship that is now much less intimate, was a major player in my emotional life. i lived – so to speak – for the simple fact that this specific person “missed” me when i wasnt around. and i honestly, didnt even realize it. i craved the attention i would get… and i would ignore the obvious truth that this relationship was extremely unhealthy. i loved – outright loved – that i was missed. that someone – noticed when i left… and when i came “home”. i loved being needed. friendships, even this one, had many redeeming qualities. but, our responsiblity as friends – is to enjoy the redeeming qualities, while doing all we can to change the negative ones. i did to much enjoying, and not enough changing….
so, ive made a concious choice to not live the rest of -this life i think im living- making ANY choices based on any feelings of loneliness i may have. i didnt even realize what i was doing and i ended up risking so much.
i never thought that i was succeptible to such a basic urge.. to simply “be” with someone. i thought i was stronger than that… honestly.. i never even worried about it.
loneliness causes self pity. and we will do lots of stupid things when we feel sorry for ourselves… we’ll do basically anything to feel loved, cherrished, special, irreplaceable… adequate.
for 21 years of my life – every time i walked through the doors to my house – i had all those things. now i dont. and now i realize i cant search for those things.
armed with this relization – its time to war. its time to, in essence… walk out.. what ive learned. something else i need to let go of. something else, thats imbedded in my heart that i know needs to be burned out.
if, for nothing more.. than because “He who does not learn from the past is destined to repeat it”.
i am so so sorry. for all that ive done.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 