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that’s it. that one phrase defines who i am. defines my fears, my sleepless nights. my confusion filled days and moments of take-your-breath-away terror.
i dont know how to do this. i dont know how to be a man. i feel like a teenage kid stuck in a grown-up suit two sizes too big. i feel terrified. i can change the oil, pay my bills each month and look the part of being a man. but the important things are the things i worry about. falling in love, actually loving a woman the way she should be loved, becoming a boyfriend, husband and father… those things, i dont know how to do those things. i dont know how to be those things.
how do i present myself as a viable mate when all i know, the “how to be a man” handbook i was given was written my by father? where, how do i find the role model i need when so many years ago i gave up and came to the understanding that i’m alone and that ive got to make it on my own?
how do i find a role model, how do i find love, when i’m simply too afraid to let anyone in?
i want to love her with all i am. i want to care for her, be a light and an encouragement. but i want to love her from a heart that is free. the heart of a man. and maybe this is what fighting for someone really looks like. maybe im finally realizing that this is where things change, where pretenses and beliefs long ingrained begin to crumble. maybe this is where i face those three defining words and begin to see them changed.
Jesus – i dont want to miss her. whomever she is. i dont want to miss the chance to love her for all she is, with all i am. please, do this work in me, because i cannot do it on my own…
i’m not usually one for writing an end of year wrap up or typing out a list of resolutions for the year about to dawn. but this is different. this year has been different. and as the chapter of life labeled 2010 readies itself to be written, tonight is just… different.
i dont know if i could put my finger on one reason, on one specific moment this year that is causing this. maybe its the fact that this new year means more than just another year. the world simultaneously enters a new year and a new decade, and on saturday i turn 30.
maybe its those things, but i dont think so.
i think this is based on the fact that im not who i was in 2008, and tomorrow, i wont be who i was in 2009.
2009. a year of change, shock, challenge, pain. new hello’s, and what will probably be last goodbyes. victories and failures. grace and mercy. beauty and life. and so much of all of those came in one week this december.
part of me hurts to see this chapter of my life close. part of me is looking back at my 20’s wondering what happened. wondering how on earth i ended up where i am right now.
but part of me is reminded of something else. part of me is remembering two very dear friends of mine who after each living their own stories of heartbreak and single parenthood, found each other. and how earlier this year, a beautiful blended family was created.
love. overcame. all.
and that gives me hope.
why? because it shows, proves to me that love is out there. that life exists on the other side of 29. that even in the darkest moments and loneliest nights, God isnt done. that He can be trusted, even when we dont understand. and it reminds me that there are people out there worth fighting for. that endless beauty exists. and that when you find someone worth fighting for, you fight for them with all you have.
2010, the year of trying new things. of taking risks. of giving out chainsaws and never looking back. the year, the year that….
love. overcomes. all.
i sat this evening in front of the fire, Mickey’s Christmas Carol on the television, and as much as i wanted to be there, i wasnt. my mind wouldnt quiet. I love Mickey’s Christmas Carol, I love Christmas with the whole family under one roof even more, but even through all of that i kept noticing things.
the fire in the fireplace, two very large pecan logs. and id fought with it on and off all evening. it would flare up and fade out. i would go over and blow on it, it would flare up and fade out. lather, rinse, repeat.
we finally got it going. the logs were positioned incorrectly. they needed to be moved, repositioned. they needed to fit together differently. and that got me thinking. about how this is the last Christmas i’ll celebrate in my 20’s. about how many more Christmases we’ll actually celebrate under one roof. about how i hope next Christmas has all four of us under the same roof, plus some new members of the family:-).
it got me thinking about my positioning, and where i might need to change.
the two logs were in the proper place, they were the proper method to use to build a fire, but no matter how hard i tried, no matter how much kindling, or oxygen i could give the fire, it wouldnt catch. because the logs weren’t positioned properly. they were too close together.
too close, and they smother each other. too far apart and the fire, the heat dies. but positioned properly, and the fire burns for hours.
i’m reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. In it he makes the observation that we live so many of our days not pursuing what we actually want. we get up, go to work, come home, cook dinner and spend the evening in front of the television.
we live, spend, invest enormous amounts of time not pursuing what we truly want, what our dreams call for.
so as 2009 draws to a close and 2010 begins fresh, clean and new, as this decade moves from present to past, and as i look at ’30’ closer and closer each day, my hearts prayer is that i would be in the proper place, at the right time, and positioned in the right way to be a light and encouragement. to fulfill the destiny that i was called for. to live each day with purpose, with the knowing that i only get that chance, to make that day count.
i may stumble, i may even fall flat on my face at times…
but i will fall forward.
i came home tonight and i kept telling myself that i am where i’m supposed to be. that im there for a reason. that this responsibility i feel really is that, responsibility. and not just some over developed sense of something like guilt. that i’ll be back in new york when the time is right. or i’ll pour my heart out to that amazing woman when everything is finally where it should be.
maybe tonight i need to realize that this wasnt promised to me. that i wasnt ever promised a path that would give me the white picket fence and 2.4 kids. maybe i wasnt promised an easy road. maybe im realizing that what my heart beats so longingly for, is something worth giving up what i’ve gained.
donald miller, in his book called Searching for God Knows What talks about adam and eve. he speaks of the world God created, a world devoid of death, decay, crime, pollution, hatred and fear; a world where sin was absent. he speaks of God creating the animals, the plants, the sky, the firmament, the sun, moon and stars, all culminating in what we commonly see as the pinnacle of creation – man. and amongst this perfection, surrounded by every need being met in abundance, God said to adam that it wasnt good for him to be alone.
adam was perfect. surrounded by perfection. created by a perfect God. and yet God makes it perfectly clear that it was not good for Adam to be alone.
if you were to ask me, i’d probably embellish the story a bit. id want to say that adam was created with a yearning inside of him. a yearning for something that he had not yet seen. an emptiness inside that longed to be filled.
the facet of this that donald miller brings to light is something ive read dozens of times, and always missed. in one verse, God states very clearly to adam that it isnt good for him to be alone. i believe God confirmed to adam that he was created with this longing. and yet in the very next verse, God has every created thing present itself to adam. God gives adam the task of naming each creature that filled the earth.
what we dont realize, is the timing. if you believe in the idea of creation, then you need to realize that the task given to adam was no small matter. this wasnt something adam completed in a few minutes or even a few days. Adam was given the responsibility of naming somewhere between 10 and 50 million creatures. if you split the difference and say 30 million creatures, at an average of 1000 creatures a day, 6 days a week, adam may have easily spent the next 10 decades naming these creatures.
it’s almost as if God told adam “you shouldnt be alone” and then proceeded to show adam every single creature on earth, and why it wouldnt be his match. why it wouldnt fill the need inside of adam to love in a way that he’d never known.
i wonder if adam felt the same way i sometimes do, if – after God confirms for him something he’s felt since he was created and after he spends countless days naming each animal – he began to question. question if there was that someone out there for him.
i wonder what is written between the lines of those two verses. what adams nights were like.
i know i serve a perfect God with a perfect plan. i’m not arguing that. i’m just wondering what adam went through.
after 100 years, adam finally completes his task. and God creates eve. flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone. i wonder if it took adam any time at all to realize that eve was wholly different. different in every way from everything he’d seen in his century of work. if perfection could have become more perfect, it did in eve.
so where am i going with this?
it’s you. and thats what i’m finally realizing. this is for you.
im not saying im your adam, but i do know beyond any doubt that you are an eve. you’re worth what adam went through. you’re worth the endless days of work, the refinement inside of adam that must have gone on. you’re worth the century of waiting adam went through. you’re the prize that adam finally realized was waiting for him. you are worth fighting for. you are worth the innumerable days and nights of waiting on this perfect God and His perfect timing.
it’s not me. and that’s the other half of what i’m finally realizing. that this is really for you.
i cannot sit here and tell you that i want to be your adam while knowing i fly 1700 miles away in less than two days. so this isnt about me.
this is about you. and my prayers that you’re encouraged. that you realize that what you’ve always known existed inside of you is something of endless beauty. that i know it must not be easy to be single and almost thirty. i know that. but please, hang on. wait for that man who will be your adam. who’s willing to follow the perfect voice of a perfect God and His perfect timing. that man who needs an eve to be on the other side of the task he’s been given.
you are an eve. always and forever. it’s not something you can change, you were born that way.
so please, dont give up. dont settle.
your adam is out there. and he’s fighting for you. and he needs you to be there, when his task is done.
i think im finally beginning to see what it is that im being hurled towards. i think im finally grasping what im fighting through the crowds to see. to obtain. i think im finally beginning to see what this towering inferno is. what it represents.
my fears.
my fears of being found out. of letting someone in. of that someone i let in, finding out. that im fallible. and in so many ways, a failure.
ive lived my life only allowing certain pieces of who i am to show. terrified of not being accepted for who i truly am, for what i truly like. for the mistakes ive made, for the passions ive buried deep and for the things that break my heart.
as far back as i can remember, my heart has longed for a guidebook for this journey. a handbook on how to be me, 10 steps to becoming a man of God and other neat things….. or something to that effect. a map, or even a street sign simply pointing me down the road i’m supposed to walk.
maybe i’m beginning to learn that it’s less of a road, and more of a direction, or a goal. maybe this towering inferno i’m running to isnt so much something found on a map, but the construct of decades of living in fear. and maybe thats why i know i need to get to the top. to stand there, amidst the flames.
and watch my fears burn.
dont ask me where this image came from, because im not this creative. i dont think like this. it just flashed in my head. a picture if you will, of where i am currently. where im running to. where life is taking me.
i saw myself running against the crowds. fighting, pushing, shoving my way against throngs of people all running away. away from a towering inferno. a 20 story building on fire. thousands of people are running from it, in terror. and im fighting my way through the crowd, running towards it.
why? honestly, i’m not sure. i dont know why it just popped into my head, or why it resonated to loudly to me. i dont fancy myself a firefighter, i’ve never wanted to be one. and even though i was running towards the building, i wasnt going to put it out. because that fire to me, signifies life. signifies calling. it signifies where i am headed. and even if im the only one stupid enough to run towards the heat, the flames, so be it.
in this image, i knew where i was headed. my eyes were wide open. and there was no doubt in me about where i needed to be. i needed to be in that building. on fire.
i wasnt dependent on the crowds, i didnt need their approval or ok to go in the direction i was headed. my eyes were open, my hope was strong.
and i knew where i needed to be.
and amen
why is it that i feel that if im not worrying about something, if there isnt some burden im carrying, then im missing something? that im not doing enough?
what is it about worry that makes me fear not worrying? its as if i feel that if im not doing it all, being it all, trying with all, then i’m somehow incomplete.
why have i bought into the belief that im not supposed to be happy? that real, true joy isnt obtainable? that i dont believe this peace that passes all understanding is actually something i should have access to? that i’m somehow less worthy of that gift?
to be honest, i just contradicted myself. a gift, in its truest form, is never deserved. dictionary.com says something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient or without its being earned.
nannyk8 has been talking a lot about the fear of the other shoe. and i think i find myself in the same situation. fear of the other shoe dropping. and somehow i convinced myself that if i only did enough, i could keep the fraying shoestring from breaking.
i think life is more about facing those fraying shoe strings, and in some cases even cutting them, than it is about frantically trying to keep those shoes from falling.
because if we’re honest with ourselves, we realize we cannot hope that the shoe wont drop. not in this world. chances are that it will, or if it doesnt, another one will take its place.
thats not fatalism, thats simple honesty. we live in a world where it’s impossible to avoid pain. even when we want to.
i’m beginning to actually get the fact that trust is of no value when there is nothing risked. im finally beginning to understand that in trusting the one i call my saviour, i must learn to stop worrying. i must learn to actually trust Him.
someone once said we’ll only ever grow as far, and go as far in life as we allow ourselves to learn. as much as that is factual, im beginning to believe we’ll only grow as far and go as far in life as we’re willing to trust Him.
it isnt trust unless something is risked. it isnt perfect peace unless you trust Him. it isnt living unless you know this perfect peace.
those are truths i know in my head. i can recite, and in some situations, i stand on those promises. but there are still times when i find myself picking up a burden too large for my shoulders. and even though i see Him standing there, offering to take my burden… i still pretend like i’ve got it. like i’m in control and that somehow carrying this weight that i wasnt destined to lift, is normal.
i convince myself that i know better than He does. and it’s all because i fear trusting Him. i fear letting go.
it isnt life, unless you trust Him with it.
He doenst promise that the shoe wont drop, but He promises to be there, even if it does. He promises to never leave. and He promises to guide us through the fire if indeed, that shoe drops.
i’ve read the story of david more often than any i’ve read about any other character in the bible. there is something about his life, about the way he lived, the pain and trials he endured, that i hold close to my heart.
there is something about his failures and victories that i see in myself. there is something in the cry of that heart of his that echoes in the depths of my own. there is something beautiful inside those stories, stories of temptation, heartache, betrayal, struggle, triumph, and defeat that ring with the sound of grace.
there is something alive inside of those stories. of the boy who would be king. stories that reflect our own lives. stories that prove that life is more than we currently see. stories that show that herding sheep on the side of a mountain for weeks and months at a time, isn’t menial. stories that prove that even our worst days have purpose. that what we’re going through right now is preparing us for what the Author has for us next.
woven inside the stories of davids life is purpose, passion, destiny. we see that now because we see the end from the beginning. we see that because we see the end result. we dont hear the heartache of the lost dreams. we dont see the tears that fell or hear the songs that were uttered out of a broken heart. we dont see the boy/king who’s only friends were the stars, sheep and smooth pebbles.
we dont hear the heartache, but it was there.
we see a boy/king who grew up knowing he was destined for something great. who grew up the smallest, and least important. we see a boy/king who was relegated to the lowliest of positions. who had his dreams brought from the recesses of his heart to the cusp of reality, and then snatched away again.
we see a young man who in a matter of months went from the lowest of jobs, to serving the king and back again. what we dont know, what we dont see; is what went on in his heart during that time.
we all want to see our dreams come true, we all have hopes and passions we hold close to ourselves. things we care for so deeply that we fear to whisper them, as if letting them be heard will somehow cheapen the value we kn0w they have. we all have dreams that we hold so tightly, that even our closest friends may not know about them.
we dont know much about what david went through during those dark days. but we do know, it wasnt his end. it wasnt the final pages, of the final chapter of his story. it may have felt like it, but it wasnt. there was a purpose for what he was going through. there was a softening of his heart that needed to happen. there were things inside ofdavid that only come to the surface when the heat was unbearably hot.
im learning that its in the times when dreams almost come true, that we find out what we’re really made of. its in the times when those dreams were so close we almost allowed ourselves the courage it would take to hope, that the real us begins to come out.. its in those times when our dreams, once so hidden and mysterious, are brought to the very cusp of reality and then shattered, that we learn what makes us tick. that we learn what really drives us.
that we learn what is in our hearts. and we learn, that it truly is something beautiful.
Needtobreathe – Something Beautiful
hey now, this is my desire
consume me like a fire
coz i just want
something beautiful to touch me
i know i am in reach
coz i am down on my knees
waiting for
something beautiful
why is it that ive felt this need to disguise things? if you knew me at all, you’d know that i’ve tried hard to be someone who didnt hide behind a well painted picket fence.
but for months now, i’ve been trying to convince myself that things are ok.
friday i came home on the verge of tears. i told God i needed whatever was next. that i’m through with where i am at. with the battles im constantly fighting. with the heartache. with the feeling of being incomplete. with feeling like there is this huge part of life i’m missing out on.
i told Him, or maybe im telling Him…. that im lonely. i am. and this isnt something easy for me to say. i’ve been in texas for 5 years and my closest friends are still more than a thousand miles away. it shouldnt be that way. i should have friends here.
i dont feel i fit. anywhere.
like a square peg in a round hole.
i left work friday, and i was done. i couldnt take another task, another email.
i just wanted to go somewhere where i fit. where i could be real and let the picket fences fall. where i could say that im not perfect, i dont have the answers…. where i could feel. where i could be real and not be afraid of peoples reactions. where i could breath deep.
i was on my way home… and He didnt say anything. there was no rending of the heavens, no angelic choir, no message in the sky.
but just as i flipped radio stations for the 2oth time, this song started. it’s been my theme song since i first heard it. and i dont know what it says about me that i’ve not gotten beyond it…. but it’s still my theme song.
because all i can do right now, is barely hold on to You.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 